Mercedes 4 – 2 Uni Whites. True scores (Referee 3 + Mercedes 1 = 4 – 2 Uni Whites)

Grey and wet didn’t just describe the weather on Saturday for the Whites trip to the ‘pig pen’ of a pitch that Mercedes call home. With the ‘Gaffer’ currently deployed on nappy changing duties following the birth of baby Stella (congratulations to the Haralam family)managerial duties were handed to the Club ‘CEO’ Tim ‘Levandowski’)

With Matt ‘The Gloves’ dropping out with what the ‘CEO’ described as a career threatening ‘Ouchy’ and ‘Snake Hips’ Whiteside succumbing to old age (doesn’t want anyone to know he is 40 years young), the ‘CEO’ was forced into a couple of changes.

Lim came in for the ‘Ouchy’ and started between the posts, with the ‘CEO’ slotting in alongside ‘Oscar’ Bock at the back. Being a staunch Chelsea man the ‘CEO’ and obviously buoyed by the news that the chosen one is returning to The Bridge, the ‘CEO’ (in the guise of the Chosen one) opted for an attacking 4-3-3 formation working on the belief that the somewhat waterlogged pitch, the pace and flair of the many attacking options available to him and possibly a change in luck may suit the formation and snaffle that elusive first win.

Our referee for the day and I use that term loosely gave an inspiring ‘Keep the sliding tackles to a minimum lads, the conditions don’t suit and I don’t want anyone getting injured’ speech. Our ‘CEO’ however, knew this referee (again used in the loosest terms) well, and delivered his speech:
“This referee is S#$T, he doesn’t move, he is lazy and if you upset him he will give nothing. In fact it will go the way of the opposition”

Having assumed the role of Chief motivator I found this somewhat unfair. Never judge a book by its cover I thought unit I saw said referee (yet again used in its loosest terms). Oh how wrong I was to be.

Anyhow to the game…

The first fifteen or so minutes saw the Whites (why do we wear White on days like this) in the ascendancy. The midfield three of Leachy (still not seen him smile), Fairuz and Callum S linked well with the three front runners of Jay ‘Mad for It’ Paherding, Oscar and Simon.

Despite the wet, muddy conditions the Whites tried to get the ball down and play the beautiful game. One particular move from the right hand side saw Simon cut in off the wing, deliver a ‘Fifa Style’ step over that completely bamboozled the Mercedes defenders and our subs bench, before unleashing a cracking finish past the keeper at the near post. One nil Whites (not been said too often this season).

Obviously impressed by the fluent, expansive, ball to feet style of football the Whites were playing the referee (yet again loosely termed) decided to spice things up. The alleged clamp down on sliding conditions on the ‘mire’ of a pitch went out the window as Mercedes began to fly into the tackles studs up, with Fairuz being the victim of one particularly late sliding tackle foul bordering on assault that the number 14 of Unley would have been proud of. Play on said the referee until he finally heeded the by now hoarse yelling of Bocky to allow Fairuz to have his ankle checked out. This sealed the tone for the game as the ref had demonstrated his athletic prowess and superb 20 / 20 vision by not moving from the centre circle.

What followed from the referee can only be described as one of the most inept performances from the man in black, hang on come to think of it he may as well have been wearing green given the love he showed to our opposition. Then again perhaps they didn’t have a shirt big enough for him to squeeze into.

Having decided that Mercedes had created very little, other than a few hopeful punts into the White penalty area, the referee with his eagle eyed 20 / 20 vision from more than forty yards away saw fit to award a penalty to the team in Green. Apparently the Mercedes attacker was heinously hacked down in the eighteen yard area.

What actually transpired was the said mentioned player attempted to emulate Simon’s step over, fell over in the mud and flung himself into the eighteen yard area (9.6 for technical merit) but definitely not a foul. More of a yellow card for simulation me thinks. Anyhow up stepped a very grateful Mercedes to tuck away the resulting penalty.

The Whites attempted to lift themselves, but despite their best efforts, our referee again saw fit (from his high unobstructed vantage point using his eagle eyed 20 / 20 vision again to good affect) to award a second penalty apparently for pushing to his ‘Boys in Green’. Same result as the first and the Whites were some how two one down.

Half time and I thought I would never see it, the referee actually moved his ample frame from the centre circle. Obviously he had heard that the local all you can eat buffet had just opened.

The second half saw much of the same from the man in Green sorry Black. A hopeful punt forward from Mercedes fell to the feet of the somewhat surprised feet of their striker (who was at least ten yards offside). The linesman’s flag went straight up, the referee (complete F~*KING useless T~&T waved play on) allowing his ‘Boys in Green’ to score a third. Despite the clear fact the Whites were up against twelve men they continued to press. Jay ‘Mad for It’ Paherding having been elbowed in the mouth first half by the Mercedes number three (obvious love child of the referee) which went unpunished by the eagle eyed referee, worked himself some space in the box and beat the keeper at the near post.

Unfortunately Mercedes and not the referee saw fit to spoil the Whites come back and actually scored a goal that did not include a foul, offside, some other form of cheating or assistance from the man ’Firmly entrenched in the middle’. Four two it ended unjustly. On the balance of play and goals scored fairly and without assistance two one to The Whites.

Oh and said referee for future reference:

The following conditions must be met for an offence to be considered a foul (FIFA Guidelines Law 12):

  • It must be committed by a player
  • It must occur on the field of play
  • It must occur when the ball is in play

REMOVE any of these conditions and the offence IS NOT and CANNOT be a foul.

Here’s some examples of offences.

The following conditions must be met for an offence to be considered offside (FIFA Guidelines Law 11):

A player IS IN AN OFFSIDE position if:

  • He is nearer to the opponent’s goal line than both the ball and the second last opponent
  • IFAB Decision One (1): consideration should be given to any part of the head, body or feet of the attacker in relation to the second last defender, the ball or the halfway line.

Once more written by Matt Hawyes with Bocky edits.