Having seen off Unley in the last round of League fixtures, the ‘Glamour’ turned it’s attentions to Pembroke and the possibility of third spot in the League. Pembroke, sitting just one point above, have been somewhat of a ’Bogey’ side for the C Team over the last few seasons, with a one all draw being the only point earned by the Whites in four previous fixtures. The Whites expected a tough battle, especially as Pembroke are the reigning Division Three Champions, losing only once all last season.

Selection was easy, the same fifteen that downed Unley were selected. Simples (as a Meer Cat would say) or it was until Matt Bates was bitten by his pet monkey and infected with a mutated, virulent strain of man flu. The results included loss of voice, lack of co-ordination, incessant sweating and eventually paralysis and death. Quarantined and possibly on his way out, Bates lay shivering on his hospital bed, wearing his Whites kit, phone in hand and Team App at the ready.

Crab was lined up to guest for the ‘Glamour’ but the pressure of such a hi-profile game and a swollen member lead to his late withdrawal. The Gartner’s were also absent due to touring commitments and having to take the girlfriend shoe shopping. Still the ‘Glamour’ is like a bright shining beacon this year, attracting players from all walks of life like a moth to the flame.

At the eleventh hour the ‘Glamour’ snaffled another of the experienced player category  to bolster it’s ranks. In came Scott ‘Buckie’ Buckmaster for his debut. Without a team since the birth of his first chiod, ‘Buckie’ found the lure of the’Glamour’ too much. With Mel deployed as the Whites Official child minder ‘Buckie’ was able to pull on the coveted white shirt and rekindle his love for the beautiful game. Gary Hong was available (then not) from the B Squad and joined Ollie, Manny and Sean on the bench.

So to game day.

With the mobile phone fully charged and the Team App up and running, things felt good. Richie Harris was in fine fettle having had a ‘one on one strikers master class’ at training from Ollie ’One foot’ Smith, and was eager to add to his tally for the season.

The boys were in determined mood and despite the late withdrawal of Gary, moral was boosted even higher by the appearance of the Whites Leg End Wez ‘Wele’ Reid on the bench , as a last minute inclusion.

Starting XI:


Juan    Jacko    George    Cam

Max    Buckie    Leo    Rob



The Bench:

Ollie ‘One Foot’ Smith
Wez ‘Wele’ Reid

The First Half:

The Whites kicked off looking to set out their stall early. Keep the ball, knock about and when we don’t have it press high and defend from the front. Thirty seconds in and first goal.  Adam broke down the Pembroke left and drove towards the by-line. Pembroke were quick to close Adam down, managing to turn the ball over in the process. Determined to apply early pressure the Whites pressed and forced Pembroke to play back to the keeper.

The long clearance was anticipated, but no, so impressed was the keeper by Adam’s silky skills and quick feet, he opted to give him the ball back by making a complete hash of the clearance. Adam seeing the run of our prolific / geriatric striker, who was bursting his lungs and colostomy bag to get forward, sent the ball across the face of goal and towards our ‘Fox in the Box’. And there it was one nil Whites. Harris on the score sheet again and only 36 seconds played. Fingers and thumbs were a blur as they worked over the shitty Samsung mobile phone to update the Team App.

The second followed quickly after with Adam again causing problems down the left. His cut back this time finding Rob Scammell who gratefully smashed it home. Back to the Team App and more updating.

The Whites were rampant and dominating all over the park. The back four linked up well with the midfield to release our two fleet footed wingers into space down the flanks. Max was causing that many problems down the right hand side that after fifteen minutes Pembroke had taken to doubling up on him to deny him space.

Adam and Richie lead the line well running tirelessly and causing Pembroke issues every time they had the ball. Even when defending Richie led from the front pressing high, ably assisted by Buckie and Leo. The pressure often lead to mistakes or turnovers by Pembroke.

A third was added about seventeen minutes in. A high press and no let up in pressure saw Pembroke turn the ball over in midfield.  Leo seized on the loose ball and carried it into the Pembroke half, before playing a one two with the ‘Old Man’ up top.  A delightful flick from the Richie sat up perfectly for Leo to stride onto and smash home an absolute screamer. Three nil. More update on the Team App and a text from the hospital bed of Matt Bates ‘Three nil WTF’.

At three nil the Whites became slightly ragged, losing focus and shape. A little bit of naivety and complacency set in as the Whites thought job done. Back came Pembroke creating a few half chances with long range shots, but nothing really trouble Lewis in goal.

When Pembroke did manage to breakthrough they found the Whites stopper in fine form, first saving bravely at the feet of one player (and getting belted for his troubles) and then pulling off a cracking save when it was easier for them to score.

As we moved towards half time the Whites added a forth.  A marauding run from right back by the diminutive ‘Angry Argie’ Juan saw him cut infield and towards goal.  A one two with the ‘Creative When Not Scoring’  Richie was played before Juan slid the ball out wide to Adam on the left, who delivered another dangerous ball into the box. Arriving like the proverbial steam train  was ‘Buckie’ to score on debut (somehow). Now I would love to saw he put his laces through it and smashed it in the roof of the net.

But alias, rusty from no football for a couple of months the big man connected well enough with the ball, but only well enough to see it roll up his foot and shin before meeting the bobble on his knee cap and rolling into the net. Who cares really, goal on debut and four zip Whites.

Yet more updates on the Team App and hospital staff concerned that Bates was becoming delirious and may not make it through the afternoon.

Half time and four nil.

Structure, shape and composure were the instructions from ’Hot Fuzz’. Juan, on the other hands, opted to supply some light hearted entertainment during the team talk by displaying the Argentinean way of ‘deep throating’ a banana, which particularly interested our Greek contingent.

Second Half:

Four became five very quickly, as the Whites tour Pembroke to pieces with their short passing game. Rob set up ‘Buckie’ to unleash an absolute pile driver into the back of the net. The ball was seen to leave his foot with such force, that if the wind hand not been blowing at that particular point to assist it over the line it may not have made it.  It don’t matter how they go in, they all count. Five nil and two goals on debut.

At five nil half of ’Hot Fuzz’ began to ring the changes mindful of the Mercedes game the following week. ‘Buckie’ made way for Sean in the middle and Manny replaced Max on the right. Ollie ‘One foot’ Smith came on for Juan. The final change saw Wez ‘Wele’ Reid  sent on to replace Richie Harris (one goal, one assist, an off day perhaps).

Sean quickly made his mark on the game. Resembling something from FIFA 14 Sean beat three players, doing a pirouette and step over in the process. He rounded the keeper, fucked about some more, dribbled round a few more players and then opted to score. (I think it was left stick, RB, Y double tap, X and LB).

Six nil and job done. Time to shut up shop and protect the clean sheet the back four and keeper deserve. Dropping deep to help out in defence Adam found himself near the corner flag. Quickly shut down by Pembroke, cries of ‘That is not the place to mess about with it’ were heard. Taking heed of this, Adam promptly ‘megged’ the Pembroke player, beat two more on the flank, played a one two with Rob Scammell before finishing neatly in the corner. Seven zip.

The Whites weren’t finished yet. Another ball into the box from Adam was met by Manny and buried. Eight nil, full time and third spot belongs to The ‘Glamour’. Pembroke claimed to be missing players, but you can only beat what’s in front of you on the day.

An outstanding performance from the whole team, bench included. Every player gave 110% be it when attacking or defending. It sets us up nicely for Mercedes next week, and with Rostrevor losing to Grads Red the ‘Glamour’ are only three points off second. Only half way in the season but so much achieved already. Lets make sure the second half is as good as the first.

That’s It….

Fantasy Football Points (In Association with the Balacco Index)

  • Lewis, Juan, Jack O, George & Cam – Clean Sheet (5pts)
  • Rob S      Goal & Assist (4pts)
  • Richie     Goal & Assist (4pts)
  • Leo          Goal (2pts)
  • Buckie    Goal (2) (4pts)
  • Sean        Goal (2pts)
  • Manny   Goal (2pts)
  • Adam     Goal & (5) Assists (10pts)