Hot off a resounding victory VS Grads Reds the week before and having survived a mid-week change in management, the Uni Whites C’s (the new beating heart of the Glamour) took to the putting-green-cum-swamp of Sacred Heart’s home ground to do Sat arvo battle.

Despite rumor that cops only eat donuts and beat up hippies, the new C’s brains trust of Matt Haywes and Jacko (herein referred to as HOT FUZZ) had cleverly put together their golden line up. I say golden because so many of its members are in their twilight years. For this is a team of polarities – made up of extreme youth and extreme ‘experience’, where pimply kids play alongside the chalky-boned aged. But it worked and something clicked (other than Richard Harris’ knees).

The long absent Crab Gayen had polished his Copa Mundials, and dragging his Jon George induced hangover took up position in d-midfield next to fellow pensioner and this match reports humble storyteller. Up front Huddo and Harris. Max and Shaun our young chickens on the wings were ready to sprint. Keeping goal the Jurassic Tim-Bo. The back four line-up of Juan, George, Bocky and Cam was further indication of Hot Fuzz’s youth-academy VS colostomy-bag experiment. The walking heart attack in black blew his whistle and the first half began.

The Whites took charge early and making a couple of rampaging runs saw some decent crosses put into the box. Gayen’s eyes lit up as the memories of a  thousand football seasons flooded his cerebral cortex – this was a man possessed. A 40ft Alonso-esque through ball found sprinter-Shaun, who in trademark style streaked towards the goalmouth with dastardly intent. 1-Zip.

The ball bobbled and slopped in the swampy center circle as the Heart tried in vain to pump long bombs to their hapless striker. Bocky and George rose to meet every ball, winning the aerial challenges and out sprinting any threat. The opposition had a couple of chances, which they fumbled like a virgin at a bra-strap. We were guilty of some overplaying in the back but mostly did well taking short balls from gatekeeper Lev and working it out of defence.

Cam Hopgood who has seen excellent form in the last few weeks, dashed up the line from right back and played one of two goal-setting passes. The ball zipped towards Superman, who defying age and gravity beat the defender. 2-0. The second half came not a minute to soon as our old boys needed a lie down and the young-uns wanted one of Mel Bock’s lollies. Hot Fuzz we’re as pleased as a couple of narcs who had stumbled across a bikie meth lab. But ‘2-0 is a dangerous place to wallow’ they warned. No changes made as we re-took the field to finish off Sacred’s Heartless.

This was easier said than done. Things got scrappy and we failed to bring the ball under control in the muddy conditions. A couple of changes saw Shaun come into the middle to replace Crab, and Dan G entered the fray on the wing. Within moments he had received a tasty through ball and lashed forwards with eyes only for goal. He slotted it nicely past the keeper for the White’s third. Finally justification for the thousands he’s spent on Arsenal–inspired haircuts.

Enter more yoof as Stu Smith came on for me to sure up the middle, and skillful newcomer Ian replacing Huddo making some excellent running upfront. The rest is a bit hazy as I ate an old mars bar I found in my bag and watched a bit of a scintillating under-8 netball match going on behind us (you can see my match report on this later). As I glanced back towards the whites I saw a moment of joga-bonito madness as Cam dinked a delightful ball to our big South African defender, who brought it down on his chest, pivoted and hit home a glorious fourth. After a 20 meter dash up field looking like a cartoon baby hippo who had learned to walk upright, the ref blew and third position was claimed by the forces of good.

The H-Fuzz have a win under their utility belts and underdog status in next weeks grudge Cup-tie with our country cousins – Mount Barker B’s. Can their collective tactical genius steer us to victory? Can we scrape a win against the B team of the Club whose C’s had humiliated us two weeks prior? Is there a God or do we live in a cold meaningless universe? These and other questions will be answered at training on Tuesday night.


* Note – any resemblance to persons living or dead (or in fact any skerrick of truth) is purely coincidental.