Results, scores, goal scorers, match reports (both first division and third division)
Para Hills East 3-2 AUSC A
AUSC B 1-1 Fulham United (Georgia Bentley)
AUSC 2-1 Munno Purra (Matilda, Emily)
The glorified match report writer-er arrived at the uni grounds at the crack of dawn (around 9am) to see dew glistening on the pitch and lacrosse goals strewn across the fields. OH wait…wrong game…umm lets skip forward to around noon, after the under 13's game has ended, and the overworked match reporter has set up the pitch already. First to arrive on this sunny day was one Margaux, wearing sun glasses and covered in sunscreen scared of losing fair skin tone. Seeing they had time on their side, some kicking practice was started….many angry threats later the match reporter gave up and decided to stop trying to 'help'. Meanwhile the other girls were arriving in drips and drabs.
With no Kevin this week, Head Coach Javier was responsible for both teams, and duly handed over responsibility for the team sheet to Margaux. What he forgot was that Margaux…hmm…is a few spanners short of a full toolbox, when filling out the shirt numbers she got confused between the word "subs" and "shirts" and filled the shirt numbers in to the subs column, was this perhaps an omen for how the day would go, all good intent but sloppy execution.
The referee arrived just as the light rain began, luckily the marquee was up so the AUSC could hold his equipment hostage in case he tried to make any decisions against us. The match began but your dutiful reporter was now huddled in the back corner of the marquee eating healthy McDonalds food (mmm tastes soo good when you're hungry) much to the disgust of all those around him.
The starting line up for the division 3 girls on this sunny yet still raining afternoon didn't have many surprises. Kathryn "Superstar" Parry lined up in goals, with the imposing bodyguard (read defence) of, Marion "YARRRRR PIRATES" <insert surname> sweeping, Madeline "Bone Crusher" <insert surname> and Genelle "Bilal couldn't think of a surname, sorry" Copper in the centre. Out wide for the defence was the reliable duo of Kate "Billy forced me to post on the forums" Jefford and Ruth "All positions be minez0r" Volgelsang. In midfield, Bianca "Javi, I play midfield, believe me" <surname> lined up in the centre with Celina "I'll be part of the chocolate crew soon" Van-Nguyen playing in a more attacking role. Patrolling the flanks, was Emily "I love sex" <surname> on the left and Margaux "GRRR, I KILL YOU ALL" Hurley on the right. The lone striker for this game was Bridge "I'm a midge" Stepancic.
The game began and it was evident from the start that this was not soccer but volley ball. Munno would try to punt it long then put uni defence under pressure who would then in turn also punt in long when they didn't have any time on the ball. ALth oto the uni's credit when they brought the ball down and looked wide they were able to use the wings and midfield very effectively. Some lovely build up play and 1 2's on the flanks tore the Munno defence apart, Unfortunately the uni would get to the box and then hit a brick wall (metaphorically of course) and be unable to penetrate that last hurdle. The uni's answer to this came in the form of Margaux, who played the Steven Gerrard role, starting out wide and then drifting in to the middle to rattle off shots from outside the box. Unfortunately for her, they lacked that extra bit of power and bounced just wide of the post 3 times. Mean while in the centre of the park, Celina was tearing them apart with the patent pending "Bilal Dribbling System", which is, step over step over, pirouette, side step and then shoot. Unluckily for Celinator, she would often beat 2 or 3 players on her own, when she didn't have much support but her final touch was often too hard and the 4th defender or the keeper would swoop down on the ball, but she added some flair to the game with her crafty running, dribbling and trickery.
Oh wait….I forgot to mention, a minute after the kick off, the blacks conceded an own goal, not sure how, but I was eating food, so didn't see. Now back to more important matters. The uni had all the attacking play with Munno having very little attacking prowess to speak of apart from some loud yelling and inhuman bird calls they were trying to use to put off the uni players. Margaux was subbed off on the right hand side for a break, and Matilda came on, which confused the supporters do to hair colour and height similarities everyone kept yelling "GO MARGAUX GO…SHOOT MARGAUX SHOOT" and then when Matilda did shoto and scored a ripper of a goal after a great solo run, every one yelled "GREAT GOAL MARGAUX, AWESOME WOOOOOOO" and then realised Margaux was standing next to us….we then felt stupid.
Half time arrived and the scored were level at 1-1, the uni dominating and the Munno capitulating. Javier gathered the girls for an inspirational talk, while the match reporter gathered the guys and headed to the goals for some shooting practice. The second half was much like the first with uni dominating and making all the attacking moves but unable to find that goal. That was until the heavens opened…and the ground got wetter. This seemed to benefit the uni team as the larger Munno girls needed about a 10 metres of open playing field to turn. Uni capitalized on this and Emily snuck in a goal giving the girls a 2-1 lead and the crowd on the sidelines went WILD! Well to be fair there was a footy match going on next to the soccer match, and at the same time some one scored a ripper of a goal…so that crowd went wild. The game in the bag, the supported turned inwards and started gossiping about the latest goings on, such as Skye's lack of coordination on a bike. Put simply, Skye face planted it and broke her front tooth and gained some nice scabs. Other then that, Zena had rocked up to the game looking like a grandma, wearing an old lady jacket and about 6 layers while still complaining about the cold. Steff was loudly telling any one that they were all her <censored>, then cackling evilly.
Back on the pitch, Munno players kept injuring themselves in the slippery condition until the ref decided t ocall the game off 10 minutes early due to Munno losing players so quickly. End result? 2-1 to the UNI!!!!!!
AUSC 4-3 Adelaide Cougars (Natasha, Stefanie, Maddie, OG)
With the Munnonians between comprehensively on the pitch, even though the score did not reflect this superiority, they marched back up north to lands far away, and unseen. The pressure was now on the first team to repeat the success and build o their recent good form, and they got this underway in the best way possible. Scratch that, the worst way possible. The playing strips were missing…oh no! But never fear the skinny man had it covered, he had left them in his car, we think, secretly the rumour is that he left them at home, drove back and picked them up. While that debacle was going on, Chairman Holohan, leader of the free republic of University Soccer, had forgotten to leave the referee fees for the match, and was busy watching his beloved Port Power lose (at least I think they lost, who cares, aussie rules isn't a sport, it's just an excuse for grown men to give each other the hug they're always yearned for but never had the courage to ask for). After a few phone calls, the situation was sorted and Kevin would drop the fees off before the end of the game, woot. Now, a uni game would never be complete with out at least one girl leaving a vital bit of equipment behind, and this week was no exception, with not one but two girls leaving things at home. Simona, who had left her shorts at home the previous week, left them at home again, which left her wearing the match reports oversized big man shorts for the second game in a row….although when she was wearing them, they could arguably be called 3/4 clown pants. Natasha Tash Tashy, the little princess of the first team, had forgotten her boots and shin guards behind…WHAT ARE YOU DOING TASH??? Luckily for the little princess her dad came to the rescue and dropped said items off after his golf game. Saved again Tash, remember to double check before you leave this week.
On to the game then I believe, if conditions were slippery and boggy underfoot in the division 3 game, the pitch was essentially quick sand for the first division game, which would of course when coupled with a wet slippery ball makes for an interesting game. The first division team lined up with the Katheryn “2 Gamer” Parry in goals, and defending her was the impenetrable shield of Lia “Oi Bil” Klatowsky and Zena “Old Crone” Badawee. Mean while defending the flanks was, Rachel “Alice Springs, Do or Die” Farquharson on the right, with on Thi Thy “Bill, where’s my match report?” Nguyen on the left. By the looks of it, Sylvia “Geekdom is a way of life” Ozols played in the centre of midfield, the nthe rest of the positions were kind of hard to keep track of, but Madeline “I like to make bouncers feel stupid” Harris, Natasha “You need shoes to play?” Meachin and Stephanie “Master of all the <plural censoreds>” Keoghan, were all playing in attacking roles. I can definitely state, Monique “Ants in my Pants” Stam and Skye “Chip” Scrutton started off.
The game started as the cold began to move across the pitch, so the supporters huddled in the marquee, which was graciously erected by yours truly, but no one said thanks, bunch of ingrates. So, with every one huddled up in the marquee, much of the match was blocked from sight, but with in 5 minutes the uni had scored, unfortunately, the match reporters view was obscured, so to quote the proud father, “Natasha was outside the box, and she lobbed the keeper”, which leads to many thoughts. Did she intentionally lob the keeper, or perhaps she got confused, went for a clearance, scooped the ball and it flew over the keeper, or she could have just tripped, and flicked the ball up and over by accident.. All these thought s are of course trivial because the uni are 1-0 up, sweeeeeet, party time. At this point if one was t ogaze out on the field one would see Stef glaring at Tash and saying out loud, “Hey, goal scoring is my job, so back off” (editors note: said comment is completely fictional) and to prove this, Stef promptly scored, capping off a lovely team move involving moving the ball out wide and back in to the centre. Maddie at this point got a little jealous and struck a lovely low shot from the just inside the goal box. He side lines were going mad at this point, from ravenous hunger and also rapture at the performance, 3-0 up, way to start the game girls. With the uni girls dominating the game with their style of play, bring the ball down, play a short ball to a fellow player, move in to space, receive ball, play ball and move, they were dominating their much more fancied opponents. Having said that the build up play was beautiful, issues were still occurring once the ball hit the front line, with Stef often finding herself isolated and taking on 3-4 ravaging defenders at a time. Not that Stef is a little puppy anyway, she savaged the defenders more times then not, and often worked her way to the box with the ball still under her control to only get dispossessed through sheer number of defenders. When the numbers did get forward though, wow, the Cougar struggled to keep the uni at bay, with shots being fired and only just missing going in. With the girls 3-0, a fourth looked like it was only a matter of time, and it came when Stef remembered her primary school geometry and placed a shot to perfect. She took aim at the back of a defender and what do you know, the deflected shot went in for an own goal, 4-0 up, and a thrashing was on the cards.
With the game essentially won, the supporters turned to more important things, suc has teasing Margaux, who George “Yessus” Lesses banning her fro mattending men’s games due to her being an ill omen, and promptly telling her to perhaps take up knitting on Saturdays. Meanwhile Jamie “Master of Whispers” Mackenzo was busy collating all his latest inside information, while distracting the supported with talk about pizza. Turns out he wasn’t bluffing, at half time, Jamie departed for the high qu- well pizza from Australian Pizza House. He arrived early in the second half, and now the supporters could enjoy an interesting game, while eating, but back to the soccer now.
With the second half, came a total collapse in the uni’s game play. And the Cougars pounced, putting the uni’s players under the pump, probing for weaknesses and finding a few. The score may have been 4-0, but then it quickly became 4-1, then 4-2, then 4-3. It wasn’t going to be a thrashing no more, now it was more a question if the clock would run down first or the Cougars would score more goals and perhaps steal the game. The stress of this situation began to show on the sidelines, with a loud Paul, getting confused as to the genders of the teams playing, calling them lads, and boys, no on told him that the whole team was female, unless there was some kind of mid-week mass gender change group operation, never fear, the match reporter will follow up this rumour and report back on whether it’s true. What was perhaps the uni’s strong point in the first half was now it’s weakpoint with their short ball game coming apart, due to the pressure from the opposition, team, with passes often missing targets or being hit to no one, but time was on their side and they had done enough in the first half to secure a lead, and just enough in the second half to hold on to the lead and the game when the final whistle blew. The teams second win for the season, congratulations girls, oh and Zena, where’s my red bull?