A member of the Fantastic Four, Simon turned his incredible elongation skills to dramatic use when he decided to join the Nappy Sanned ones. His tentacle like legs seem to stretch for a minimum of 20 meters at any given time. He has been known to stop an attacker’s shot on the goal line while standing in the opposition’s penalty box.

The familiar cry of “Simmo’s” has not only caused bed wetting problems for opposition strikers, but is also the first word Whites exposed babies learn to say due to its frequency (3 times per 5 seconds).

Like a force of nature “Simmo’s” is usually followed by a thunderous header, occasionally cracking an opposition player’s skull like an Easter egg when Simon doesn’t make clean contact with the ball.

Surrounded by a team of senior citizens, Simon used his unfair advantages of speed, skill and stamina to claim the club’s best and fairest trophy during his first season in 2001. If we give in to youth now, what will be next? Speed trials? Let’s hope not.

Blinded by the dazzling glory of the satin sheeted ones, Simon was nevertheless disturbed when his first game for the club was played without proper strips, regulation goals and an accredited referee, prompting the immortal question: “What have I stepped into?”

Just the glamour Simon, just the glamour.