Jan is easily the most offensive of all the Uni Whites players to the opposition teams. This Tupac of the Collegiate League takes it upon himself to be as loud and obnoxious as he possibly can to unnerve such precious opponents as Mercedes and Wusstrevor.

He is multi-talented as he whinges, abuses, tackles and falls over for the benefit of the referee and his millions of adoring fans all over the world. This may result in the occasional red card for himself or whoever happens to be nearby, but such trivialities will never worry or shake the big man.

Legend knows him by many names: The Karate Kid, the Bandanna Bandit and Jan Cube (?) are terms of honour relating to his magnificent display of headbands throughout each Uni White season.

I would list Janus amongst the soccer greats of Germany (ie. Beckenbauer, Walter, Seeler, Pfitzner, Muller and Rummenigge), however after recent controversial developments his right to membership in the Teutonic master race has been questioned and we await further news.

Jan is a dinosaur of the Whites and has been spreading his glamour since 1992, being a major part of the club’s transformation into the Brazil of the Collegiate League. Not even a drop off the roof which cracked his head wide open and left millions of teenage girls everywhere holding their breath for his speedy recovery, could stop this Conan of football. He returned like Terminator and youngsters everywhere should tattoo his headband on their arse to honour the White Knight.

His positions over the years have included keeper, Libero, any back, any midfield area, but he has been barred from the front line, as Collegiate League goalkeepers may not be ready for his version of “No Retreat – No Surrender”.

Janus is also an excellent host and since he has acquired a foosball table, he should be in the A’s starting 11 every week to ensure he stays with the team that is proud to call him one of its own and keeps hosting his formidable get togethers with his partner in crime – Tania (a real German as we have been informed).

To conclude I would like to honour Jan with a poem:

In the Stadium of White,
Stands a man they can’t break,
And he yells in defence,
“Get back for f**k’s sake.”

If you think how much fuss they made about the Lone Ranger, I’m sure everyone would love to be Jan’s Tonto.