El Presidente, Davoldo Laninio was knighted for his services to soccer by Her Majesty the Queen in January of 2003. It is no more than this midfield genius of the game deserves.

His playing history before donning the pearly white is mysterious, as the gutter press has previously linked him to inferior teams, but the club administrators have toiled endlessly to set the record straight.

A crucial component of that most famed of all indoor teams, DVDA, Big Daddy was instrumental in securing a number of premierships for the Whites and the aforementioned glory conglomerate.

Best known for his ability to get upset with his own efforts during a game and then to enter a period of sulking before stealing the ball at the half-way line going around the entire opposition’s defence and midfield and calmly slotting home from outside the box. His march back to the Whites’ half is then still a disgruntled muttering about having a “shit game” which basically signals he will score another one in five minutes time. Various coaches have started to make use of this phenomenon as well as his fellow players. Some will take him aside before the opening whistle to tell him he’s “playing like crap”, to pull his “finger out” or to “get into the game”. This has often resulted in Dave scoring a hat trick and deep depression on his part after winning 8-0.

Big Daddy is a player who is universally liked by all. Even when he holds on to the opposition goalkeeper at corners, makes a two-footed tackle from behind or jumps into another player’s back, his sincere “sorry” instantly wipes the tears away and makes the opposition want to come in for a group hug.

Says Matt Butler (both legs broken from a Dave “sorry” tackle”):

“Love that guy. I know he didn’t mean it. He put both hands up in the air and everything. I’ll get him a present as soon as I’m better.”

And so we salute you Lord David. Long may you continue to reign and bring joy to millions.